


Contrition

by bedknees



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, Post-KHIII, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, everyone probably has PTSD, i mean lbr, these kids are screwed up help them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 12:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8578099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedknees/pseuds/bedknees
Summary: She refused to let Isa suffer alone. After all, Xion knew what a terrible thing guilt was. Post-KHIII.





	

The sound of the Clock Tower bell woke Lea up from a sound sleep. His ears buzzed as the sounds outside of his room brought him to full lucidity, any last resistance to waking up gone. The redhead rolled out of bed, surging to his feet and doing a full stretch. His yawn was loud, almost a protest to having to get up at a decent hour.

Tomorrow marked the third year of Xehanort’s defeat. In the previous two years, Lea had gotten together with Sora and his friends to celebrate. The plans to get together hadn’t changed, so Lea and his ‘roomies’ would be going to Radiant Garden by way of a dark corridor early tomorrow.

Thankfully, that was something that Lea could still do without posing too much of a threat to his heart. As long as he used it sparingly, as the higher Keyblade Master’s warned, his heart would suffer minimum stress. They didn’t recommend it, but it was so much easier and faster than Gummi Travel that there were no real complaints in him using it.

Today, they had to pack and get ready. Lea wanted to take everyone out for ice cream before they left, just like old times. There were also plans to get breakfast at a nice little place close by. He reviewed his haphazard agenda as he threw some socks over his feet, almost tripping as he pulled one up. He got dressed quickly and without much thought, but he felt his clothes were presentable enough for a casual day.

Out the door, Lea crossed the hallway and practically slid down the stairs. He was greeted by the smell of breakfast being made, sounds of sizzling and stirring prominent. Surprised by the change in plans, Lea approached the kitchen with a little confusion.

“Hey… so we’re makin’ breakfast here then?”

Xion gave him a small nod and a warm smile. “We thought it’d be fun! Do you want some bacon and eggs?”

“He only gets some if he pays for ice cream later,” Roxas quipped, half-joking as he flipped some eggs.

Lea ruffled his blond head a little. “What’s the special occasion? Why’re you two makin’ breakfast?”

Xion’s face fell a little.

The redhead’s expression sobered. “Is he okay?” he asked softly, gesturing upstairs without looking. He’s usually up by now.

“I’m fine.”

At this, Lea jumped a little and immediately turned himself around. “Jeez! You wanna put me in an early grave or somethin’??” He laughed a little, trying to lighten the suddenly somber mood.

“Maybe you should pay better attention,” Roxas remarked.

Isa smiled faintly, beefy arms crossed over his chest. He was still clad in his tank top and pajama pants, now-jaw-length blue hair wild and messy. His green eyes were tired, baggy, and bloodshot.

Alarm bells went off in Lea’s head as he observed his best friend. Isa rarely looked this bad nowadays, almost never came downstairs without being dressed for the day. Something was up and he felt Xion and Roxas knew something he didn’t.

“You two are making breakfast then?” Isa asked, voice hoarse and almost painful. Lea cringed inwardly.

“Yep!” Xion said cheerfully, offering a gentle smile. “You want anything?”

“I’m okay, thank you.” Isa promptly turned and started to go back upstairs, movements sluggish. Lea was about to open his mouth to say something, but Roxas made a deliberate cough from behind him.

Everyone was quiet until the door upstairs clicked shut. Lea’s face was riddled with worry.

“He hasn’t been this bad since that day four months ago,” Xion whispered sadly.

“What happened?” Lea asked both of them, whisper not as low.

Roxas turned the heat off of the stove. “I heard him scream in the middle of the night. Woke me up really fast. I think it was a nightmare or something.”

“I heard it too,” Xion continued. “I went to his door and he was…”

“What? What happened?” Lea asked, semi-urgently.

“He was crying.” Xion’s eyes went a little glassy. “So, we decided to take care of breakfast. I know we were supposed to go out, but I didn’t think he’d be up to it.”

With breakfast done, the trio filled their respective plates and initially ate in silence. Lea, unable to stay quiet for too long, brought up their trip to Radiant Garden tomorrow. It was a rather positive conversation regarding how nice it would be to see everyone again. To get out of Twilight Town and see how far the once destroyed world had come. It got them all out of their rut.

“My ma is gonna smother me with affection,” Lea said with a half-hearted grin. “Promise you’ll be there for backup? She loves you two, anyway.”

“We’ll take one for the team,” Xion promised as she ate the last of the bacon off her plate.

“Alright, but now you gotta buy the next two rounds of ice cream,” Roxas joked. Xion giggled, nodding in agreement.

“Ahh, you guys are killin’ me. I’m gonna be flat broke with all these IOUs.”

The trio laughed together, but notably not as fully as they typically would.

The conversation died down when the door upstairs opened audibly. Slow footsteps descended the stairs, Lea taking his plate over to the sink and turning to face the steps. Xion bore a look of concern, but tried to keep her expression light.

Isa was fully dressed now, hair still not where it should be but at least combed. He wore a navy sweater and dark jeans, clothes a little frumpled. His eyes were still tired and bloodshot, skin sallow in a way that made his scar stand out more.

“We can go whenever you want. Just let me know and I’ll be ready,” he said, voice soft and still harsh.

“We don’t hafta go, Isa,” Lea said. “We can stay here and chill.”

Roxas shrugged, “Yeah, like watch movies or somethin’.”

Isa laughed a little, bitterness evident in it as he crossed his arms in a tense manner.

“What’s up?” Xion asked, voice still gentle and kind.

“Really? Watch movies? Laugh and frolic and pretend like everything’s perfect?” His eyes were downcast now.

“Hey…”

“Don’t need to be a jerk about it,” Roxas responded, a little tiffed at the attitude.

“Yes,” Isa began, venom in his voice, “let’s play make-believe and completely forget that three years ago, I almost killed you. I almost killed Lea. Xion could have been next. Easily.”

Xion jumped in. “Isa, it’s okay–”

“Nothing about the things I did is okay,” Isa said flatly. “Did you forget how terribly I treated you? How vile of a creature I was? Really?”

“That was Saix, though! You’re not him!” Xion pleaded. “You’re my–our–friend and one of the greatest people I’ve ever met! I mean it!”

Isa turned, facing away from the group. “I could have stopped myself from becoming that way. I didn’t have to give in like a fool. I could have seen something was changing me.”

“Isa, please–”

“And I still did those things, whether I was in complete control or not.” He breathed in and out jaggedly. “How can you even stand me? Any of you?”

“Because just because you can’t stand yourself doesn’t mean it’s the same for others!” Xion argued.

“It should be,” he remarked darkly.

“No, it shouldn’t,” she retorted. “You’re not him, you’re one of his victims. Just like all of us! You’re not Xehanort!”

At the word, Xion’s hands flew to her mouth. Lea’s eyes went wide, shaking his head at her vehemently. Roxas put a hand to his face, sighing.

It seemed impossible for Isa to get anymore uneasy, but the word, the name, was like a bullet to his chest. He looked like he was dissociating, eyes becoming lost and distant. His blood went cold and he stopped breathing.

“Oh no,” Xion mumbled to herself. “I, oh my god, Isa I’m so sorry. I wasn’t–”

The blue-haired man said nothing, instead keeping a hand over his mouth and rushing upstairs, door closing harshly.

“Nice job, Xi. You broke him.” Roxas rubbed his face and sighed again.

“I swear. I, I didn’t mean to say his name,” she said frantically. “I wasn’t thinking. I was–”

“No,” Lea interrupted, hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay, Xion. It’s okay. It was the heat of the moment. Don’t beat yourself up about it too much.”

“Yeah, I mean joke’s aside it’s easy to forget he’s probably, no definitely, the most screwed up of all of us. The way he usually is seems kinda normal,” Roxas commented, lifting his head up.

“His trigger words,” Xion began, much more quietly. “Xemnas and Xehanort. Those were it, right?”

Lea nodded. “He doesn’t like thunder either. That’s more of a sound than a word, though. Why’re you asking though? You should know that.”

Xion nodded. “I know. But before I go and talk to him I want to make sure.”

Lea shook his head, “Xion, I think he needs some space.”

“So he can beat himself up and suffer alone some more?”

“I’ll take care of it,” the redhead promised. “Just let me handle it.”

“No,” Xion affirmed. “This is my mistake. And I’m fixing it now.”

The black-haired girl was already halfway up the stairs by the time Lea made a move to react. Roxas remained seated at the table. “Just let her go. They’ll figure it out.”

Lea exhaled sharply, rubbing his face with his hand. “Fine. I’m just gonna have to trust her not to make things worse. Lord knows she’s done enough to earn it at this point.”

“Xion? Make things worse? Never.”

//

For a good two minutes, Xion stood in front of Isa’s door debating on what to say to him. She was sure a simple apology wouldn’t cut it. This went farther than that. She tapped her foot as quietly as she could, nervous to face the man she just unintentionally traumatized.

“You can come in,” a voice said from behind the door.

Xion jerked to attention, shakily reaching to turn the handle. When she opened it, slowly as she did, Isa was sitting on the edge of his bed and flipping through a book. As miserable as he looked and in spite of what had occurred downstairs, he gingerly patted a spot next to him.

Figuring she had a second chance, the girl sat down nervously. She peered at the haunted man next to her, still distracting himself with whatever was in the leather-bound pages. It took him a few moments to say anything.

“Listen,” he began, closing the book. “I didn’t mean to snap like that. Sometimes, I get lost in my own mind.” He sighed softly. “In the end I guess I am no better than my Other.”

The tension in Xion’s body dissipated quite a bit with Isa’s apology, but she had her own feelings on the matter. “No, you’re wrong. You’re so much more than your Other. You’re strong and compassionate and just a generally good person, sarcasm and all.” She laughed a little, Isa smiling lightly. “And I know you’re not perfect, but the thing is… none of us are. It’s what makes us all so interesting. But despite relapsing a bit once in awhile, I think you’re doing an awesome job at getting rid of your demons.”

“You don’t get rid of your demons,” Isa corrected. “You just learn to walk ahead of them. And I backslid today. I’m sorry you had to see that.” He paused. “Hear that.”

Xion was only faintly surprised he knew that she heard him. She patted his arm. “I hope you know that I really do understand. You know, what it’s like.” Her tone was bittersweet. “I have so many nightmares, so many bad memories that will never go away. But it’s because of him,” she clarified. “He’s the one that made me nearly kill Roxas. The one that possessed me.”

Isa furrowed his brow. “He possessed you?”

“Only for a little bit, but it was pure hell.” The intensity she held on that word made Isa’s blood go a little cold. “I can only imagine dealing with it for 10 years.” She shuddered at the thought, but stayed strong. “I wasn’t thinking at that second about saying the name. I’m sorry I made things worse.” She bowed her head a little.

Isa shook his head, “I need to get over it, anyway. I can’t let it affect me so much that I’m practically catatonic.”

“But it’s okay that it makes you feel that way,” Xion interjected. “Even if it does affect you forever, it doesn’t make you weak. You’re strong just by being able to function at all.”

“Likewise,” he said softly.

Xion felt herself relax completely, the tension evaporating away. A small silence fell between the pair before she decided to speak up again. “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s in that book?”

Isa took said book in his hands again, running a palm across the leather. He opened it up towards the middle. “It’s a journal of positives in my life. Lea convinced me to keep it.” He paused for a moment. “It helps when I, well, get like this. It reminds me of what’s important, grounds me to reality.”

Xion peered over his shoulder, smiling when she noticed her name in one of the passages. She decided not to bring it up; there was no use in doing so. “So, are we okay now?”

Isa shook his head again, “No way. We’re definitely not okay.”

Xion looked down a little.

“We’re perfect.”

She beamed at the words, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. “I’m so glad~!”

“Alright, alright,” he said with a small laugh, one arm wrapping around her to reciprocate the show of affection. “Now do you want to get ice cream or not?”

The girl pulled away, standing up. “Are you sure you’ll be up for it?”

“After all of this,” Isa gestured, “absolutely.”

“Yay!” Xion was quick to extend a hand to Isa, who took it and stood to his feet. The girl smoothed out some of the wrinkles on her grey summer dress before wrapping the blue-haired man in a full embrace. She buried her face into his broad shoulder.

Isa reciprocated, arms closed around her gently. The dark, self-loathing part of him knew he did not deserve this. That anything he does to make up for what he did, regardless of how much control he had over his actions or not, would not change that in the end, he did those awful things.

But seeing Xion, the girl whom his Other put through absolute hell, genuinely care about him and hold him so close to her heart; it brought Isa back to reality and truly made him feel that in the end, he really can’t be all that bad.

**Author's Note:**

> more trash about these characters who need hugs @ forever-daybreak.tumblr.com


End file.
